you thought you had got rid of me!

Dear Blog you must be so disappointed to find that my hoped for disappearance didnot happen.
I am disappointed with myself for leaving things so long but then, it has given you a breather from my endless navel contemplation - one girl's meat is another's poison.
Things have been hectic and yet the material outcome seems to be negligible, as usual.
I accompanied the grandsons back to school on Sunday and on the way we trailed in the wake of a traveller's traditional caravan, the synchronised clopping of the horses' hooves totally in keeping with the countryside we passed through. It was also a living link with the boys' paternal great grandmother who was probably born in one like it.
We arrived at the school and led a crocodile of other cars seeking the right entrance to the car park. The official one was closed although the electronic barrier kept waving to us from the other side! It seemed to be mainly grandparents acting in loco parentis and then taxis full of Oriental teenagers who appeared to have been shopping for their lives.
The return trip was very quiet with just Mr Charming in the back. It must be very strange for him dealing with the coming and going of his brothers at erratic intervals.
Back to work on Wednesday and had to hit the ground running. Although nothing much seems to change in the lives of the very old if one is in tune with them then you notice the nuances. Thursday brought a surprise in the form of an extra member of staff so that The Boss and I could settle down to a bureaucratic marathon. Basically, we are doing a job that a senior administrator for the regulatory body has been doing in years past. Now we have to assess ourselves and still continue to pay loads of money to said body for doing a large part of their job for them. Unfortunately we won't get their salary. Talk about brainache.

We have moved on now and this weekend I felt as if I was doing mental health nursing. A client with fear that he was going to be killed by a hairdresser. As he said himself he is two people and when he wakes up he doesn't know which person will emerge, neither do we! Further along the corridor another client sits shouting in her room and we are unable to help her. These are the times when I feel most inadequate and dissatisfied. Also, at the weekend, I spent a lot of time steadying staff and by the end of it felt burnt out, asking myself who steadies me, apart from God?
Between work and family I start to feel very small and fragile and ask myself how much more I can carry. But not being a quitter I have to square my shoulders and try to make each day a new start. If only so that I don't have to dwell too long on my own weaknesses. I have had to remind myself not to become complacent and imagine that the Chinese whispers and bitchiness can't devastate me. I am a fool if I fall into that trap and I have been a fool enough times in my life already. Tomorrow is my day off, I have already done the washing and it's flapping gently in the breeze, being bleached my the sun, so once the robot's leg has been dragged around the house get ready dear Blog...